Ashram Antics

Week One

2007-04-25T23:51:00.001-07:00

Week One 19th Feb - 25th Feb

Settling In

I feel so happy to be here at the ashram. My room is on the roof with windows on each wall, so lots of light! And it's spacious too.

When I lie in bed at night I often cry. I sometimes dance too. I love God so much for giving me this very special opportunity.

I was worried about public speaking, but actually that hasn't been a problem. There are 12 students this week and all of them are fantastic. Different personalities, same heart.

It hasn't been all rosy though. I won't bore you with the story line, but I have also been tested by God.

The Test 23/2/07

I asked You to test me,
And so You did,
But in the most unexpected way,
You whacked me from the side,
But I stood steady.

I asked You to test me,
And so You did,
You walloped me from the other side,
But once again I stood steady.

I pleaded with You to test me,
And so You did,
You whacked and walloped me from all angles,
And I started to cry,
But then, once again, I stood steady.

I asked You to test me,
And so You did,
You whacked me from above, and below,
But you know,
It no longer mattered,
Because I'd let go.

The Eyes

God has been pointing me to acknowledge the power of the eyes.

I caught one students eye across the room at lunch and our gaze was held for about half a minute. He was looking deeply into my soul and I looked deeply into his.

Recently I read a story about the Buddha meeting a beautiful woman and unlike every other man he didn't get embarrassed or overcome with lust. He simply looked deeply into her eyes as he might at a beautiful flower, with calm serenity.

It got me thinking about the power of the eyes. So I've been trying to look people in the eye more often, and for longer, with a look of peace and a gentle smile.

It's a very powerful healing tool.

How did I get here!?

Lying in bed, I suddenly feel a little taken aback, almost confused. How on earth did I get here, in this ashram, in India, teaching. Goodness!

Oh well it's not exactly a bad thing, in fact I'm extremely grateful to all the past Andy's for bringing me to this point. It's as if I died and just woke up anew. Fresh, alive, and free from associating with any of those former selves. Wonderful!

Helplessness; I know how Jesus felt

And they suffered too,
But there was nothing I could do,
With Love in my heart,
It tore me apart,
It was a lesson You wanted me to learn.

Maybe I could have been more assertive,
Perhaps I could have taken back control,
But whatever efforts I made were replied with a scream,
And the last thing I could allow to happen was for them to witness a full blown scene.

So I watched, and observed,
As things fell apart,
I watched it all go wrong,
With an open heart.

I wanted to teach,
But You stunted my voice,
I wanted to heal,
But You tied my hands,
I felt so helpless.

But to be with that feeling,
Not to run and hide,
Helped me to grow,
And become stronger inside.

And maybe that strength,
Along with some calm,
Heals much deeper than words,
Or hands ever can.

Maybe the Love in my heart,
That shines through my eyes,
Is all that is needed,
To make them Realise.

The Shadow

You're like a dark shadow looming over me,
I wish I could look you in the eye,
Sometimes I can,
But mostly I'm too shy.

The Last Day

But it wasn't all doom and gloom, far from it! The group connected so well and bonded like a family. And on the last day I guided a loving kindness meditation which solidified this.

I know I helped a few of them see some light and they thanked me by having a glint of fire in their eye when they smiled my way. That's what it's all about. That special something that shines through the eyes. It makes me want to cry and rejoice when I see it. I Love You xx

Week Two

2007-04-25T23:50:00.003-07:00

The days between retreats 27/2/07

Today I wandered into the garden with the intention of going on a familiar walk along a small river that joins the Ganga. But He had other ideas.

Magical Discovery

The Garden of Eden,
Is a tropical wonderland,
He gives You a sign,
And You follow,
If you truly listen.

A lemon hangs in a tree,
Ah now I see,
You want me to go that way,
And when I do,
I'm guided and free.

You place whats needed on my path,
For me to discover something new,
Freshening my perspective,
Cleansing my soul,
And once again You welcome me home.

Becoming a Teacher 28/02/07

If any of you are thinking of becoming spiritual teachers, then great, the world needs you! I have to warn you though it's not a blissfully glamorous role as I thought it would be. You have to face you're issues straight on if you practice what you preach. And you have to deal with other peoples anger in a clear way too, even if they spit venom at you. It's an intense cleansing process. But there's no better place to do it as everyone talks the spiritual talk and we all understand we are dealing with delusion and so help each other when there's a disagreement rather than blame. And also all the yoga, chanting, meditation and so on pushes this process along.

It's also important to remember to never get stuck on identities. You must always be open to change roles as need be. Your students are always your teachers and the other teachers are your teachers too, so you must be open to learn from them. It's not just what they say, their advise, that's relevant to your development, it's your reaction you need to watch. If your defenses come up you need to ask yourself - what am I protecting? If you are truly free, there is nothing to protect.

Up your bum

It's funny, and slightly crude if taken the wrong way, but when I let an issue go by giving space to acknowledge its energy, I get a rush of energy shoot up my backside and my whole body trembles like I'm being electrocuted. That's' the kundalini I guess.

It's good when it happens, which it increasingly is, because when I think about that issue after I feel quite neutral about it. In fact it's almost as though I can no longer connect with my former prejudice, but only think of that issue in a pure non-judgemental way. It feels clean. And the funny thing is there's a part of me trying to grasp that former dirtiness because without it I feel slightly naked. Wanting to be open and free and yet uncomfortable with that vulnerability. It's not easy shedding identity.

Forever A Student

You are my teacher,
They are my teachers,
He is my teacher,
She is my teacher,
I am forever a student of God.

Who cares if they lash out

I'm not going to worry anymore,
I'll do my best as I feel is right in the moment,
If you lash out,
Then I'm not going to worry about it.

I'm not going to stress anymore,
Feeling I must tip toe around in case you react,
If you lash out,
Then I'm not going to stress about it.

I'm not going to take it to heart anymore,
If you lash out,
Know that my intention is pure,
I've already let it go,
It just flushed straight through me.

Let the Anger flow

Don't try to reason with anger. Just allow it to have its say. You may know better then anger, but don't challenge it. Be very, very gentle with it. Don't get stuck with it. Allow its energy to flow. Relax your body, relax your mind. If you don't feed it, it will have its rant and be gone.

Look beneath the anger, where is the hurt? That's where you have to focus. But be careful, if you're too direct it may lash out again. Slowly, slowly, be open. Allow the hurt to reveal itself. Speak in an indirect way. Avoid pointing the finger at it, talk in first or third person, never in second person as this provokes.

First person, "I know, I had a similar difficulty once." "Yes, maybe I misjudged the situation." Or if you need to be boundaried for the greatest good, "I feel upset and unable to express myself when you shout."

Third person, "My friend Bob went through a something that sounds similar and he said that the way he resolved it was to..."

Never: "You need to learn how to calm down." "You have to look at that rage." Unless of course your openness to it penetrates Love deep into the pain. But you need to judge that for yourself.

I'm talking both about dealing with your own anger and other beings anger of course, if you make any distinction between the two anymore. They're both anger voices that require the same skill to alleviate suffering. They're both highly charged vibrations which are simply objects within your mind stream.

Heal angers pain with Light, heal it with Awareness. Be open and heal it with Love. And most importantly never allow anger to get stuck in your body. If it does get stuck then move awareness into that area with openness, keep your body still, and let it rush whichever way it likes until its gone. Then you're free of the little monster. It's just energy for goodness sake!

The Second Course Begins

The group this week is very small, only 6 people, and they're very quiet, sensitive people. In the guided meditation this morning I mentioned giving unconditional Love to your mind as a mother a crying baby and suddenly there was an explosion of consciousness. The room felt clear, my mind vast, as if I was talking across a stadium. Wow! This group requires gentleness for sure. They need to be given the freedom and space to open up and explore their self consciousness. They need to feel nurtured with no pressure. I probably won't force them to face their fears with determination, but instead give them permission to takes things slowly. No pressure to sing or chant if they are self conscious, instead explore their feelings at this time. In this way they are more likely to 'AUM' as it is just the teachers at the moment with a slight whisper of sound coming from a couple of them. But of course we'll see, I could be wrong, and I'll always make choices dependent on what's happening there and then, not decide my whole approach to the week here and now.

Balancing not Layering!

I've been feeling very 'sugary' yesterday and today. That's the only word I can think to describe it. When doing yoga asana's it's like sugar is being broken down , and there seems to be lots of it. The first thing my mind did was to blame the food. "I knew it, too much rice a japati, I'm wheat intolerant, I've got candida, I'll have to go into town and buy my own food from now on to have a diet that is better for me!" Then I think, well I've had no problems with the food so far so the next thought comes in. "No, it's just samskara's (mental formations in the body) arising from my subconscious and littering themselves in my bloodstream. I'll cure this one with Awareness." But then I think. "Hey, sure it's good to try to 'cure' or 'rebalance' things, but at the end of the day, I just feel a bit sugary, and I'm pretty sure it'll pass soon." You don't always have to push yourself to be in perfect balance. If it tips so that I'm really not very mindful at all I will then try and balance the elements in my body. Sure ask in this moment, "What's stopping me from being present?" and balance if you need to. But if you're stressing about it, you're just layering the problem and need to chill out a bit.

Making Mistakes - 3/3/07

I made a mistake and I'm sorry,

Fear came in and I abandoned Truth,

Whatever I was protecting,

That took me from the moment,

Was just my minds delusion.

I hope You can forgive me,

For preventing Your words flowing freely through me,

For getting stuck and causing pain,

I abandoned You for just a moment,

And got lost in a selfish motive

But that's all past,

And now I'm here,

Living your Truth,

Having learnt my lesson,

Trying to feel into and release my guilty feeling,

So that I can Love You more than ever.

When Truth Hurts

Speaking Truth takes courage,

Sometimes it hurts another,

But for the greatest good it must be said.

Sometimes we need a voice,

To stand up for ourselves and let someone know how they hurt us,

To affirm the boundaries.

It's not that we don't Love them,

It's not that we're right,

Or they are wrong,

We just need to unleash our voice,

To protect ourselves.

Turbulence

Today has been a turbulent day. God has really been pushing me, testing me. Confrontation isn't easy, but sometimes necessary. Nobody likes to be hurt, everybody likes to be loved. But I had to do it, to free my voice, to assert my power. And now I have to deal with my feeling that I dented someones ego, and that hurts. But of course that's a good thing because they will grow from it. And knowing it was the right thing to do means that I can be with my own sorrow much easier. Living in Truth and not hiding isn't easy.

Do The Right Thing by Letting Go - 5/3/07

Wherever you are clinging,

Just let go,

And if you can't let go,

Let go of trying to let go.

Whatever you are holding tightly,

Release that grip,

And if you don't know how to,

Stop trying and instead be with that grip.

You don't need to change this moment,

Allow your mind to be free from the burden you carry,

By spreading Love into your body's emotions,.

Who cares about the storyline,

Ber it guilt, anger, fear or shame,

Move into that present feeling with wakefulness,

Only then will you do the right thing in this moment.

Surrender

Lord! I am Your servant,

I'll do your work without question,

I surrender completely.

Well that's my intention anyhow,

I'm sure You've got more in store for me,

And when the time comes I'll do my best,

To trust in your motives,

I'll do my best,

That's all I can say for now.

I Love You so much,

Please release me from my pain.

Energies beyond belief

I used to think that subtle energies where just my imagination. But when your body trembles with the power of its movement rising from below, and you experience white light shining from above, it can't just be imagination. I sometimes get the image of a snake uncoiling or light pouring through holes in the skin, what's that all about?It requires stopping looking with the eyes or listening with the ears. It defies belief.

Week Three

2007-04-25T23:50:00.001-07:00

Choices, Choices - 7/3/07

Well the second retreat came to an end. I didn't get so involved with the students towards the end. It seems my role is more in the first few days and the other two teachers took on the role of holding individual meetings so I did my own thing a little which was nice.

Marjorie decided to leave, it seems she wasn't happy with the staff issues, I don't blame her. I decided to stay though. I asked and prayed for my ego to be beaten out of me and so I got what I asked for. I'll see what happens this week and if I'm restricted or spoken 'at' rather than 'to' then there's a wonderfully nurturing retreat the week after with open dharma http://www.opendharma.org/ . And after that I could always go down south to see Sai Baba as I still haven't been able to yet.

I just went to satsang (lecture and discussion) with Shanti Mai which was nice. Lots of chanting and a few questions and answers. I was a little perturbed by one song though that ended with 'there's a better world, in the sky, in the sky.' I've always been of the belief that we must accept we're on earth and not wish for heaven. But maybe we need to become more sattvic (blissful consciousness) before we can let that go and be happy with All Who knows there are many paths. The hindu one is towards samadi though (absorption with God - you live in bliss) rather than vipassana (insight into reality - where you live unattached in a 'normal' state). She answered the questions well though. I particularly liked it when she made the point that we should rejoice when we are proved wrong! Quite right - releasing another stuck belief for added freedom!

Let Go and Surrender - 8/3/07

Some people say, 'surrender your will to God,'
And with faith your heart will be guided,
But if that doesn't fit so well,
Other people say, 'stop stressing',
Trust that when you chill out a bit,
Your mind will become clearer,
For a solution to appear,
And if there isn't a solution,
Then there's still no point in stressing!
God, a clear mind, same difference.

More Satsang

I went to satsang with Muctananda this morning. He's a big guy from Canada, a good speaker. He talked about faith as not being something we choose to 'have'. You could say 'I believe not to believe in God' and that's faith. We can choose any word 'Christ', 'Allah', 'Ganesh' or whatever you like but you're still believing in the same oneness. Call it what you like 'awareness', 'universal consciousness', 'that knowing'.

Enough's Enough

I went back to the ashram with the intent of leaving. The personality clash had just become too much, but after a chat with Lolita I decided to stay. And then after a dip in the Ganga doubt came back again. I thought of my dad when clearing the attic he always says, 'if in doubt, chuck it out.' So I went back to say I'm definitely leaving. She suggested a compromise though. I could stay and just help in the office while doing my own practice. I'll then help on the course again when the guy who pushes my buttons leaves. That way I don't run the risk of being manipulated, scrutinised, and insulted, but instead can just chill out in a lovely ashram. Goodness knows how such a big ego got so involved on a spiritual course. He's a long term guest at the ashram that's why. Politics.

Gossip

'He said this', 'she said that,' 'I'm going to do this if you don't do this...'
Goodness I seem to have been pulled out of the present and into the storyline. And it feels like clear water that's been made muddy. So the next few days I'll be working on clearing the water again. Lots of meditation...

I know my weakness is I project into the future. 'Right I've had enough! I'm going to leave, then I'll go here, then there, wow I'll have a great time, that's it I'll do this after that yes!' Sure it's important to plan a little but I get embroiled in it.

So now I'm going to amplify my intention to focus once again on the energy, not the words of the thoughts. The meaning of the thoughts is duality - illusion. It's just opinion, heresy. The manifestation of this as festering energy in my body can be far more objective if allowed to be without judgement.

I'm also going to try what Muktananda said yesterday is liberation, to replace the 'I am' with 'God'. And so to repeat the words 'God is Love, Love is God' in my heart centre. That's a very good practice.

The Yogas

Krama yoga is service, doing good work without the desire for reward. It's very important and is why I am here. It's the first step. The focus is on virtue, morality, ethics.

Juana yoga is using the intellect to rationalise yourself out of duality. I'm kind of done with this for a while, I just say 'I'm forever here and now,' and that helps as I know its illusion.

Bhakti yoga is the highest path. Devotion. Submitting your will to God. This is the true spiritual goal. To become at One with God. This is where I intend to focus.

Vipassana - looking objectively at phenomena in the present to have insights is great and brings me back to the present, it centres me. But God is not just clarity, He is Love. So opening the heart is of utmost importance.

Kundalini is just scientific. The movement of subtle energy, opening of chakras and so ion are still in the conditioned world. If it happens it happens, I intend to take the focus off this as it is dangerous to become obsessed with and kept in the world of duality when progressing, the world of the ego.

Climbing a mountain

I've just traipsed up a steep path and am sitting on a mountain top, sweating profusely. Sometimes we need to put in some jolly hard work to see things clearly. The only reason I stuck it out at the ashram . . .

My pen runs out. God wanted me to stop procrastinating on that point. I'm back at the ashram now. Shortly after writing that I walked around the corner and heard beautiful music echoing from a village.

The Village in the Hills

Seduced by the gentle vibrations that drift from the huts in the paddy fields,
Drawn by the picturesque landscape up in the mountains I wander towards,
And I arrive at a ceremony.

A preacher talking,
There's singing and dancing,
Children play innocently,
I'm warmly welcomed to join in.

After the festivities I'm shown around,
Given a book of their scriptures (in English),
Fed,
They touch my feet and tell me that I'm warmly welcomed as a god,
Such kindness and generosity.

As I leave I tell them how fortunate I feel to have been welcomed by gods in the mountains,
I touch their feet before saluting namaste,
The prayer mudra.

Time to teach

When I arrive back at the ashram things seem to have changed course again. I'm back on to lead the retreat, this time alone with Lolita the yoga teacher. It starts in one hour. We'll see how it goes.

Satisfying a group - 13/3/07

So, more responsibility. I've been non-stop up at 5.30, to bed at 9.30 and barely a moment in between to wash or play sitar. But that's fine. It's karma yoga.

It's funny some of the students have eyes that beam with curiosity as they inquire deeply into life. Others who may think they know it all seem less impressed. And then there are others. Some want guidance during meditation, others don't. Some want this, others that. I just remain laid back and urge them to look underneath their desires, emotions, or perceived needs. To look beyond the words said and instead focus on their physical response. It's all just a play at the end of the day. These are just roles we act. Can you find peace and be full of love wherever you are?

An Empty Vessel

Peeling back the layers to see what's underneath,
What's the pride protecting?
Peeling back the layers to get closer to finding Truth,
What's the anxiety avoiding?
Peeling it away,
Layer after layer,
Whatever it may be,
Guilt, shyness, anger, bereavement,
Peel it all away to discover,
There is no fixed self to protect!
Just an empty vessel to allow words of virtue the freedom to flow,
Just an empty vessel for God to inhabit,
So that God can experience the miracles of this,
Connecting, with Love.

What is happiness? 14/3/07

I placed this question to the group yesterday and sat back, leaving it open for discussion. Some interesting points were made. Here's my summary and response:

Happiness occurs when peace is created with what is present. Acknowledging the pleasant and painful without attachment. Being open to all experiences. But of course not just passively accepting everything as equal, as pleasant experiences do bring more happiness than painful ones. So while remaining at peace with everything it's also preferable to move towards a lifestyle which includes beautiful surroundings, delicious, healthy food, and people who make us smile. There's nothing wrong with that! But on the other hand we also need to go deep into our experience to find peace with our emotional pain. Someone who suffers from vertigo could lead a very happy life avoiding tall buildings, but one day they may have to go up a sky scrapper. So it's best to try and overcome this fear so that it no longer lingers at the back of their mind. But gently does it. Some fears can be quite a challenge and intense in the pain. So care is needed. Someone who has been sexually abused may need time to sooth away their pain and nurture a sense of forgiveness to both the abuser, but most importantly to themselves. It's important not to suppress any feelings. To cry if you need to. To allow hurtful feelings the space to express themselves. Preferably in a safe environment where no one else is hurt by releasing these emotions. In this way we can both move away from the darkness while also moving towards the light. Eventually we'll find that all the pain has gone and we can be blissfully at peace in all situations. Appreciating the subtle and sustaining pleasures that life has to offer. But always without being attached. Happiness is everyones goal in life. Happiness is the goal of meditation and the spiritual path. May all beings live with peace in the minds and Love in their hearts. May all beings be happy.

Thinking about Later

This morning I went for a dip in the Ganga, came back and did some yoga asana's (I'm trying to make my lower back more flexible, certain poses I find very hard to sustain) and then I played a raga on my sitar. After this I had half an hour before lunch and my mind suddenly said, 'I'm bored! This blasted life, I always have to fill it with something. Will it never end!' Most unlike me. But I think I was focusing a little on my eagerness to facilitate the group later and was trying to fill every moment to avoid this restless, frustrated feeling of wanting to do it now! Ego. What to do.

I'm now sat in the office having led the group. Happily content that I have nothing to do except wait for the phone to ring every half hour or so.

What to do indeed. I keep finding my mind back home in England planning how I'm going to re-establish my hypnotherapy practice, run workshops and which retreats I want to attend over the summer. I seem to spend my life pulling myself back to the present, or at any rate trying to be peaceful with this blasted restless, obsessive energy that propels me forward into a semi-conscious state of delirium. Wake up Andy!

Namaste 15/3/07

Namaste, the prayer mudra (hand posture). Namaste means 'our hearts are as one' and is used as a greeting. So beautiful. It's a curious thing to notice where one places their hands when doing this mudra. When I first got into spirituality I always placed my thumbs between my eyebrows, I was contemplating Ultimate Reality a lot at the time. Then my heart began to open and I lowered my hands to my chest. More recently I find I instinctively kiss my thumbnails. I've started teaching and my throat chakra is opening to allow Gods words to flow. Funny how this happens without even thinking about it.

The Tibetans touch these three areas symbolising body, speech and mind (the mind is the heart in the east, not the brain), before they prostrate.

Namaste, the prayer mudra, opens and closes an encounter.

Week Four

2007-04-25T23:49:00.002-07:00

Turbulence Flows on a Sufaceless Mirror 17/3/07

I am not the changing forms of reality,
With all their transience,
But they dance within me,
Like a reflection on a surfaceless mirror.

I have a choice.
To allow these movements to flow,
Like the water in the Ganga, or,
To grip tightly, placing obstacles in the way,
Trying to force the flow to be different.

Rocks rise through the surface of the water,
Creating turbulence and bubbling vibrations.
That's just the way it is though,
The water still flows down the mountains,
Towards the sea.

If I interfere more,
Building dams or cutting up mountains,
That's fine too,
So long as I Realise the water will always flow downwards,
then the surfaceless mirror will never be broken,
For there are no pieces to shatter.

Shiva Shambo!

Sitting around the fire,
Chanting praise to the Lord Shiva,
Gently rocking with my eyes closed,
I get lost in a swirl of vibration.

With clarity I awaken to this moment,
Shiva!
In a void of timeless knowing,
Shiva!
I never went anywhere, or did anything,
Shiva!
You destroy my grasping, clasping, searching,
Freeing me to abide in the only place I ever am,
Shambo!

This moment,
That never cease to be,
Oh Shiva, such freedom flowing in this moment.

Do What You Have To Do 18/3/07

Awakening to the freedom of Ultimate Truth,
Acknowledging the whole experience with Awareness,
Nothing you can do will detract from the miracles of the perfection that always is,
Nothing you can say will taint the perfection of 'that knowing' in any way,
Wow! What a relief,
Blissful tears streaming from the eyes,
Because you don't need to change a thing.

Who cares what they think,
Who cares if they misunderstand and judge,
I choose to abide in this moments liberation, for I know it to be Truth,
I choose to spread the word of perfect peace to help others see it too,
Out of love,
Out of compassion.

I let go of caring for the ego long ago,
It's time to let the world know the wonderment of falling in Love with God.

Stop dithering about with insignificant tasks or ways of living life,
Change your job, if you need to, change your country, change your friends,
Cut to the chase and pursue this freedom too,
No compromises, no excuses,
For everything else is trivial,
You're on this earth to awaken to Love,
If you want to be free of your woes,
Then make those changes right now,
Spread the word to others too,
And lets all have a party in heaven,
For surely heaven on earth is preferable to hell.

New Arrivals

The fourth retreat starts. There are 14 students, slightly bigger than before and I also have more responsibility - leading the satsang alone a few days among all the other stuff I was already doing. But, you know, that's fine. I've been eased in gently and so I'm now not all that nervous when speaking to the group. It's just like speaking to one other for me now, except many silent eyes stare back. But that's fine, I'm confident.

A German lad arrived today to attend the course. After exchanging pleasantries I introduced and he replied, 'Ah so you're Andy, I was hoping to meet you, I read your blog.' Wow, the world stood still and I didn't know what to say so I just replied, 'Oh, what a coincidence you ended up meeting me.' He looked me sternly in the eyes and replied, 'Nothing is coincidence, you know that.' And then he thanked me for writing.

Wow, I felt dumbfounded. I felt naked, transparent, as if this stranger knew my every thought. He knew all about me and I didn't even know his name. What a strange situation.

I felt deeply moved. Later, alone in my room, I cried.

It's amazing how the Internet can allow us to spread words of wisdom and compassion, connecting the minds and hearts of people near and far. It's a powerful resource which can be used for great things. So why not make it your responsibility to awaken more hearts too. And then you may get the chance to cry because someone surprises you when their passion for dharma brings them to meet you with a glint in their eye.

Leela - A Divine Play

Speaking with the German guy later after class he told me how he had been debating with his friend whether or not I would be teaching at Phool Chatti Ashram. It was funny to hear my life being talked about like in this way. I felt like I was a character in a soap opera. But that's good you know, it made me feel invisible, as if my previous selves were just something to pull apart and analyse. Like that film Truman Show. Ha ha life is just a silly storyline. They call it 'Leela' in sanskrit, a divine play.

Speak from the heart in the moment

I'm not going to bother to plan again. I thought I'd make notes for how to do the satsang and started to get a little excited at the opportunity to awaken a few minds to blissful peace. But two minutes before going up Lolita told me she was going to talk about sadhus and gods and all that trivia that's irrelevant to our individual development on the path. I sat next to her in half lotus and only at the end answered a couple of questions on meditation. Poorly at that, I'd lost heart.

But there's a lesson for me there. I need to live in the moment and not plan. I know what to say at the drop of a hat if I let go. Maybe there's also a lesson there that I need to assert myself more to find out when and who is teaching a while before going into class. To let go and assert myself more. I sometimes feel so frustrated because I want to teach Truth, to scream it from the rooftops. Or maybe I'm just greedy and my ego wants to run the course because I think I know best. Maybe it's pride to be the one who wakes them up, or maybe its determination to spread Truth out of Love. Whatever, I need to let go about being worked up about it though.

I thought I learnt this lesson on the first week when my 'co' teacher decided to be an authoritarian on a non-competitive yoga retreat. But today I failed to live in Truth and instead go frustrated. Maybe I shouldn't plan what to say, I'm quite capable if I do surrender to God.

I'm not always right 20/3/07

Last night I guided a meditation which pretty much covered what I was going to teach in the satsang. I have plenty of opening to teach on this retreat. My ego just wants me to run the thing, it thinks I know best when sometimes I don't. I'm sure I've written some things here which you think are nonsense and maybe you're right. Don't trust everything I write, please, I am still learning myself at the end of the day.

Same Old Questions

It's funny how every week the same old questions come up regarding meditation. I thought I'd better write about the main one seeing as there seems to be much confusion amongst the populous.

Q) My mind is so busy, even though I'm trying to stop thinking. I can't do it, I feel my mind should be still, but I'm always thinking so much.

A) Sometimes the mind is busy, sometimes it's quiet. They're just thoughts, don't feel guilty about them or you're just layering more thoughts on top. Right effort means gently placing the intention to be present, not forcefully trying. As soon as you are present, that's wonderful! Who cares about the last 10 minutes of daydreaming, it's over and can't be changed, you are awake in this moment, that's what's important. Encourage the part of the mind which wakes up to be activated more often, don't tell it off or it will stop helping out. Now, that's all there is.

Be with the layer, or even with the layers layer

If you try to be with a feeling but find it's to hard and you can't, then you're trying to go too deep too soon. There's a layer on top of that which you need to look at first. How does it feel to have that struggle, to be with that feeling? Where is that struggle felt? That's the layer on top you need to look at first. And when you can be with that resistance, that frustration, that 'pushing and wanting to move in but can't' feeling, then you will feel freer. And maybe after that you'll be able to move in, or maybe you'll find it will take you some place else. Allow the more subtle layers to flow. Stop struggling with the struggle, make friends with it.

Disharmony at Satsang

I asked who everyone was getting on. And it seems that in the silence they had been holding all kinds of stuff, but rather than being with, they had been listening to it's storyline.

Some people want the discussion group later and others say meditation straight after dinner is too hard. Others want more freedom to come and go and attend only what they want. But this causes those who think structure and discipline is essential to be upset. So what to do? Indeed I was diplomatic and agreed with all points of view and came up with some solutions. Lolita says don't push too much, keep them happy. I prefer to insist they come to everything as it is on the schedule unless they have a valid excuse, then it's clear where the boundaries are. And then they will see that it was just their ego that wanted things to be different. It is just the ego which insists 'if only this was different, then everything would be just perfect'. Unfortunately though it never is perfect and so if we want peace then we must be with what is in the here and now, it's the only way.

And so after compromising to their 'needs' I talked about austerity as a way to achieve happiness. I talked about God as being in every soul and anger as coming from pain, so be compassionate to the suffering. We'll see there are often problems on day 2 or 3 and things often settle down after that.

A side note of regret

I feel a bit bad for saying Lolita's stories are irrelevant to liberation. They are wonderful and have helped me to see the ashram in a different way many times. An appreciation of history can help develop respect. And she makes everyone laugh a lot.

A Wave of Worthlessness 21/3/07

I've noticed that maybe once a day, out of the blue, I get this strange feeling of guilt, disgust, self hatred, suddenly come over me. This wave of worthlessness that wants to cry and sniffle, and to shy away from Love. Most odd. It's quite subtle and doesn't last long. But I'm determined to move in and befriend it none the less. There are some vague painful images of being battered and slashed as it sniffles under the surface. I wonder how many lives ago that was. Poor thing, to have suffered in that way. I will nurture that old memory and heal it as best I can, out of compassion.

The Surgeon of Light

Like a surgeon I open up and dissect,
Carefully with precise attention I probe,
Delving in to find the disease,
Cautiously so that the little blighter doesn't escape,
Like a parasite that is repelled from Light.

Going deeper in, ever so delicately now,
I don't want to screw it up and create further pain.

Tease the infected area so that it reveals itself,
And then when the moment is right,
Pounce like a cat on a mouse,
Shine the Light of freedom brightly upon it,
So that it escapes to wherever it can,
Like a vampire who freezes and then runs,
Fleeing away and out of the body.

Public Speaking

Today in the group I did a talk on samsara, karma, rebirth and then how fear is the opposite of love. I asked for comments, no one spoke. I waited and then asked about what they fear - public speaking perhaps. Resounding laughter. And so started the discussion, how to overcome this fear.

Personally I never spoke in front of a group and was terribly shy until recently. Now I'm not bothered so much.

Here's some tips:

Breathing - imagine releasing the anxiety on a long out breath, letting it go.

Everyone knows about the technique of imagining everyone as being naked. But how about imagining love extending from your heart as long arms which go around everyone and embrace them.

Of course being present with the feeling and not suppressing it is important. Sometimes this isn't easy in the heat of the moment though and balancing is preferable to mindfulness.
Scale it from one to ten shifts the brain activity from the emotional to the logical centres, helping to calm down and be rational.

Anyhow, the slowness of coming forward and pushing students too much isn't perhaps the best course of action. Maybe I need to revise my technique a little. I like to have interactive discussions, but maybe I need to lecture more. Back home I used to attend a 'dharma facilitators programme' course and I must admit I hated being pushed to speak. But I have been holding on to the idea that this method of being the facilitator rather than teacher is better though. Now I'm not so sure, maybe the students prefer a gentler approach.

A couple of days off

We decided that for the last couple of days I'm only involved with sitting with the students for morning (6am) and evening (8.30pm) meditation. Lolita will do the satsang. The reason being that she has to go away for a few days and otherwise I won't get any time to do bits and pieces in town.

I've had some nice chats with a couple of students individually. Maybe now I'll check in with them in the evening a little too when I'm back from town.

I've had some nice chats with my German friend. He's been a real help actually, initiating and encouraging the other students to speak. I can see him becoming a spiritual teacher one day.

Attached, Detached and Non-attached

We suffer if we attach to something as me or mine. But to detach as an observer makes life a little pointless, vacant, unfeeling and cold. So what to do?

Attaching tries to fix the unfixable causing a struggle to try and keep it fixed and separate, even though it's not because everything mingles in this 'Oneness'. Non-attached means to connect with life, but to realise its temporary nature. Experiencing things directly but allowing it all to flow and move as it needs to. Releasing the grip of fear is to be non-attached. Opening up and letting go can be scary, but its also liberating. There's nothing to hold on to, it's like free falling into emptiness. (Empty of permanence, not empty of existence).

So the question is can you connect but not hold. Connect and then disconnect just as easily so that it all flows in and away again. Like a shower of water that you feel float over your skin and then just washed away down the drain. Can you be so in the momentless moment that time disappears and all things pass through you without sticking at all?

Encouraging the Students to Speak

Before I start the first discussion with a group I have been urging the students to look deeply into the feeling of either being too shy to speak, or desperate to speak. And then to judge whether they can hold that feeling while pushing themselves if they are shy or holding back if they are extrovert. It's quite a gentle opening but maybe I need to take charge a little more and not pose questions which push them to speak too much. My intention now is to gently suggest that they can ask questions or make comments at any time but just keep speaking myself. And if there are silences for a minute or so while I think, that's fine. It'll give them time to contemplate and maybe in that silence they may feel they have the space to speak without being pushed.

And then I can continue speaking again either further thoughts or changing topic, judged on whether they look engaged or bored. I could even tune into the energy of the group of a deeper level if I can't tell by body language.

That's the plan for now anyhow.....

Dressed in Divine White

I bumped into a friend from home in town today. It's not so uncommon in these spiritual circles, most of us come to India at some point and end up at places like Rishikesh or Dharmasala.

She didn't recognise me in my long mop hair and white clothes!

Lolita suggested I wear white during the retreats. My first thoughts were resistence, 'No, I want to be down to earth, dressed like the students.' But then I tried out and it felt quite nice, purer somehow. And I am the teacher, as much as I resist hierarchies, I need to assert myself in this role more.

And so now I'm dressed in as a divine being in white, glowing with positive vibrations. Ever ready to help those in need with my wise words like a grand fasther to his dear children.

That's a joke by the way. Of course I'll treat everyone as equal. I can't imagine my ego to inflate like that just because I move more fully into my role as teacher. It's not my style. Sure I have a little pride, who doesn't, but if anything I need to assert my abilities and stop being so bloody humble.

Gentleness to Open Up 23/3/07

Speaking with a student last night in a very sensitive and indirect way made me appreicate the importance of calm openness, perhaps even giving examples of my own troubles, really helps to build trust. Sometimes I think, 'just hit em with Ultimate Truth, freedom in the timeless, in the eternal, unconditioned, make them realise pure Love!' Which of course is needed. But I sometimes have the tendency to be a little harsh or pushy. Just being open, offering the opportunity to speak to me in private, and then just being open again, is what is needed. Majorie used to talk about her own difficulties which were quite shocking. She spoke calmly about her daughters murder with a healed and peaceful tone. The students opened up straight away as their worries paled into insignificance to what she had been through.

Allowing the students the space to open up without pushing them to, there's the method. Not always easy, but it's a skill I'm developing.

Feeling Appreciated 24/3/07

The course comes to an end. I hug and hold my gaze with the students who leave. I feel appreciated, last week I didn't feel that so much. It's not from pride that I appreciate some recognition, it's just uplifting and reassuring, so that I know I'm doing something right. And it brings me closer to God, for He brought me here and I thank Him for that Grace. I surrender to Him and feeling appreciated spurs me on to let go into this role more.

Confidence, Faith

Today Lolita went away and I'm manning the office for a few days. IT feels like quite a responcibility as some spiritually advance beings come here and I've been given the role of making decisions about how can stay. Everyone is friendly though which so telling them I'm the meditation teacher even though I'm only young doesn't feel too wrong. Confidence and faith that I'm doing what I'm doing for God is important. No matter who stoals into the ashram I can feel confident knowing Gods will is the greatest. No matter how knowledgable or liberated they may be, God is supreme, and that's comforting. And of course if they are evolved, then they know this too and are humble.

A Cave or Life?

To live in a cave or to live in the world,
To shelter from temptation or to face the challenge,
To go deep into bliss or to grow from challenges in life,
To penetrate the depths of the mind through seclusion and focus,
Or to deal with social neurosis and tackle the mundane,
To focus on Ultimate Truth and absorb with God (samadi),
Or to chip away at earthly delusion (vipassana),
What to do?
I think a bit of both.
The man in the cave risks being thrown into turmoil when he emerges into life,
The man never in the cave continues to be a slave to his delusion.
Little by little the cave is entered for longer periods,
Emerging to test in the world before entering again,
I'd like to go in a cave again soon,
But for now my energy is on dealing with people,
But I'm almost ready to deal souly with my mind.

Guided to Prosperity

Coincidence makes things seem random,
Fate however is a bit too dreamy,
It's somewhere in between.
God does guide me,
But I don't see 'signs' in everything,
I use my intuition to discriminate.
Something deeper informs me,
And then things fall into place,
I trust in this higher knowing,
It creates harmony and leads to prosperity.

Wake Up the Heart - 25/3/07

Don't stress about the ego, that's just further ego,
Move into the heart and then act from there,
For everything is clear in the heart,
More open and spontaneous.

If you drift away and act from the ego,
Don't punish yourself,
For the moment you Realise,
Is the moment the heart just woke up again.

Awesome Love Revealed

The Sun rises ove the Mountain,
Shimmering on the ripples of the River,
Waking nature up.
Trees grow, birds sing,
As the Sun rises over the majestic Mountain.

I am but insignificant in Your presence,
In awe I witness Your grand arrival,
During the freshness of the morning.
Your vastness reveals itself around me,
Boundlessly to the sky.

Acknowledging Your supremacy,
I'm released from inner turmoil,
Opening up I surrender,
And You flood me with Your Love.

A Love beyond words,
A Love that reveals itself when my mind stops still,
And I simply abide in wonderment,
At Your Awesome Awakening.

Holding Life Gently in my Palm

Holding life gently in my palm,
Allows it to unfold,
Supported and yet free to flow.

Gripping life tightly in a fist,
Restricts and causes stress,
Letting it fall through the fingers,
Is an attitude of futility, depressed and pointless.

Holding life gently in my palm,
Allows it to breath in a nurturing way,
Holding life gently in my palm,
Reveals the intricacies of compassion.

Week Five

2007-04-25T23:49:00.001-07:00

Forcing Things to be Peaceful - 26/3/07

Taking on the responsibility of looking after the ashram requires deciding who to allot rooms to and it's been a real eye opener. I've been observing Lolita-ji doing this since I've been here. She turns people away, holds back the best rooms and is very guarded and cautious in revealing how full or busy we are. In town I heard whispers and rumours that she's a very hard woman, not nice at all.

But this does not match up with my experience with her. We laugh, she's very relaxed, always inquires into how I'm doing and is far from cold. Why all this??

Well everyone has their own agenda. These 'spiritual' people can be devious game players all edging to get the best, biggest room, preferably overlooking the Ganga. I have seen people hanging around for hours chatting and waiting for the right moment to pounce. Always careful with their words. Sometimes they butter me up and then as a casual after thought ask if I can out a good word in to Swami. All these people with their own agendas, hankering around for the most idyllic place to do their 'sadana' (spiritual practice).

While Lolita-ji has been away it's been my job to take on this responsibility. Before going away she warned me that, 'this is a business, and businesses don't always tell the truth.'

I've been confronted with someone who walked all the way here to reserve rooms for a few people before the course starts. Even though we don't reserve in advance he was adamant we must. He'd just walked 6km here! Another guy was told we are too busy and denied a room before, but as I knew him through friends I let him have a room. I since found out he was denied because before he interfered with the students on the course. So I've had to warn him to be careful and just keep to himself a little more. And so it goes on. Many hands in namaste pleading for the opportunity to stay or to upgrade to better rooms. What is all this!

Here I am, responsible for running the ashram, in a massive, wonderful room, and I never pushed for anything. I only came here a few months ago with a carefree attitude. So how did I get this? Because I didn't push. Because I tried my hardest to surrender and be humble.

Where there is ego there is suffering. Where there is greed there is unrest. Sure a peaceful place, a spacious room with great views, is great for developing peaceful minds. But for goodness sake surely the peaceful place come peacefully. For if it's forced, there's no real peace. And if their desire to have it isn't met and causes bitterness, that's hardly developing spiritually.

Letting go of selfish desires means there are far more plentiful rewards. Much more so than having the attitude of a a self-centred ruthless business person. Not only will there be peace of mind, but all the wealth that's no longer pushed for comes naturally starts materialising.

Only a Fool - 27/3/07

Only a fool follows the herd,
And drowns themself in what's acceptable,
Only a fool relies on the advice of others,
And denies the expression of their heart to guide them,
Only a fool wastes energy trying to impress,
With their propped up ego and inflated self image,
Only a fool suffers in this way.

For the wise let go of all that nonsense,
And respond with openness,
They act outside the boundaries of the norm, if it's the right thing to do,
With spontaneity their inner being guides them,
Changing their manner and identity if need be.

So while the fool restricts themself and suffers,
The wise are far more carefree,
For the wise are never afraid of rejection,
As they already abide in Love.

Speaking Softly - 28/03/07

The fifth retreat started yesterday afternoon. Completely at peace in the group I just spoke as need be. Relaxed, but also on guard for complacency.

In the evening I introduced and led a meditation. Then asked if there were questions. There were none. So as I planned in this situation I just spoke gently every few minutes. Informing them to intend to be present all the time, even now in the silence after the formal sit. A little about timelessness, spacelessness. Also how they may need to be gentle with the judging voice in the head. that kind of thing.

Speaking Openly - 29/3/07

I don't really suffer from complacency. In fact the very nature of giving a dharma talk fills my being with passion. It's hard to fall prey to the ego when the very words I'm uttering are about overcoming attachment to the fixed self. It's very hard to feel dull and inattentive when the words that flow though me are about how wakefulness is fresh and alive.

And I do still get a little nervous. Especially before the walk. My voice is sometimes a little shaky as I stand in the middle of the ashram courtyard speaking for a few minutes. It's quite public, but I'm getting used to that. As soon as my hearts beats a little faster I think, 'but I Love God and I'm doing this for Him, I resign to Him.' And then I feel fine.

Openness and honesty help too. I admit my humanness to the students and then reveal tactics to overcome this. Like today I said how my first thought of the day was how I couldn't be bother to get up so early, but that I used curiosity into life as a tool to invoke vitality and wakefulness into my being, like a child. It also helps to avoid appearing like a superior teacher, especially when I'm half the age of some of them.

Spiritual CV

I've been reading 'Veronica Decides to Die,' by Paulo Coelho. I've read quite a few of his books, they're gentle stories, spiritually moving.

I just read a bit about someone having ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). It made me cry again as I remembered witnessing this horrific treatment last October. It made me evaluate my goals in life. At the end of the vipassana I recently sat in January we split into pairs and asked each other what we want to achieve in our lives. All I could say was, 'I just want to help others to be happy.' This feeling was so deep, bottomless.

Now when I ask this question it has changed a little. It could sound more selfish, but it's far from selfish. My answer is, 'I just want to be liberated for my limited ego and be free.' And then added to this, 'because when I am free, when I resign to God, then I can help others the most.'

Even though I resign to God, I have to make some decisions., and I need to dig deep into my own being for that. Lolita-ji has asked me whether I ill come back in September to continuous helping. It's such a wonderful opportunity for me to grow in confidence as a dharma teacher.

On the one hand to be here again would be great. On the other I'd like to set up my own courses back home. To raise awareness of dharma as opposed to turning to greed, hatred and ignorance to avoid issues . As opposed to pushing the problem to one side and popping a pill as advocated in the west.

I think I'll probably come back though. I'm only young and have ample time for these projects. Besides I can help in the ashram in a massive way. And a whole year here would look great on my spiritual CV!

Simple Life, High Mind

Sat in the office earlier chatting. Lolita uttered a great quote, 'Simple life, high mind.' It made me think about how when I pop into town I often pick up some useless bits and pieces, and thus accumulate more 'stuff'. And I make the excuse that it's 'spiritual' things, but really I know that it's just 'spiritual materialism' and clutters and confuses my mind. Simplify, simplify, then I'll be clearer, more innocent to the moment.

Then Josh (my German friend from the last retreat) added, 'High life, simple mind!' How true - we all chuckled!

Later during kirtan (mantra chanting) I blissed out a bit and my mind became pure. I kind of pushed though an obstacle and stopped being self conscious at all while amongst all those people. I felt so liberated. I told Josh afterwards how I let go more and more and kept saying to myself, 'surrender, surrender to God!' Later on while sitting for dinner he suddenly chuckled. 'What is it?' I asked puzzled. He said how wonderful it made him feel to witness my simple honesty of wanting to surrender. Everyone seems in good humour today.

Paranoid - 30/3/07

Dealing with paranoia. Not taking things personally. Letting go and floating on the ups and downs isn't easy.

Nobody came to Satsang today. We four of them are exempt anyway as their English isn't good enough, and I know a couple of them popped into town for personal reasons. And the others, well who knows what's going on in their heads.

Lolita just laughed. She said only three people went to her group yesterday. It is very hot and they're probably tired after lunch. Who can guess. Lolita just laughed and commented, 'these people just want to do yoga and meditation. They don't want to talk.'

Still, I have a little bad feeling in my stomach. I know that it isn't to do with me personally as I can tell when I catch their eyes and smile that there's warmth there. And some of the students touch my arm when talking to me, which is clear affection. But I can't help feeling bad. I can't help dreaming up a thousand reasons of what I did wrong. The funny thing is that the students don't even know whether it's me or Lolita taking Satsang, so I can hardly take it personally.

Lolita just laughed, but I feel sick. I'm trying to resign it over to God. It's not easy though. I'm trying to be with the feelings rather than dwell on the thoughts they induce, but it's hard. I know it'll pass, just as everything does, and then I'll laugh again too.

Beyond Dualism

What is the ego? Is it pride, anxiety, or any other unsavoury emotion? And how can I discern whether I'm acting from the ego or now? Listen to the heart I guess . . . . be guided by something deeper.

Is no ego the opposite of ego? And if so isn't that dualistic? So to break out of dualism and be at One, surely I need to stop fussing about the ego. Just flow with life. Trying to attain the goal of becoming 'ego less' is the ego's attachment to another dualistic vision of perfection (as opposed to imperfection).

So this dualistic world is perfect just as it is. Just keep waking up the heart to this (as opposed to being asleep to that). And then little by little I will Realise that Oneness, that God, that 'no-ego' for longer periods. Just as I Realised it ten years ago for a long period of time, but somehow forgot.

Overwhelmed by Sanga - 31/3/07

Getting caught up in dharma chat, dharma plans. Catching up, going for chai. Any interesting insights since I last saw you? Goodness you look different since I saw you at some dharma gathering a year ago.

Today I popped into Laxman Juala to put up some posters and distribute some leaflets for the Ashram. Every time I left one person I hadn't seen for 'ages' I bumped into another. It's peak season here now and so people appear in my consciousness from every retreat I ever sat in India or Europe. And it's great to know so many gentle souls with a passion to explore being, open their hearts, heal deeply, or whatever their emphasis may be. But now I'm whacked. Back in the ashram, glad of some peace and quiet.

Planning our spiritual route through life , following the herd from yatra to deep rest or whatever it may be. My Italian friend seemed quite perturbed too. When I inquired if she intended on going back to Burma to be a nun again she replied, 'maybe, maybe not. As the moment takes me.'

What to do? At least I'm back in the ashram and forget about plans for a while. Aatri and kirtan in a few minutes. I'll get absorbed in the chanting and free myself a little.

Blocked like a Rock

The kundalini is awakening again. Well, in the meditation this evening I moved into the eternal now with detachment a little. And there appeared like something pushing up from my base chakra. Like a rock or something quite solid. But instead of holding my breath and losing myself in resistance I tried to remain calm and kept repeating, 'it's not self. There's nothing to be afraid of. There is no this and that. Be with whatever arises in consciousness. Just stay present with what is. Present in the eternal. The unchanging knowing. Don't try and control anything. If it flows it flows, if it's stuck, it's stuck. And so on...' Well something did shift a little. This rock pushed hard and then some pulsing feeling went up the sides of my spine. And then the meditation finished.

Endlessly Forgetting To Accept - 1/4/07

No matter how many times I Realise where I'm stuck, move in to find freedom and wake up for a while, I always get caught again and drift into attachment once more. I say to myself, 'accept all thoughts, they're just energy, don't get caught in their dualistic nonsense,' but I still find myself not accepting thoughts, forgetting that they're just energy and trying to suppress their dualistic nonsense. I catch my mind in social situations saying things like, 'I shouldn't think that perverse thought. Go away thought! Just smile and look relaxed at them, they can't read my mind.' That's one example. But hey, I'll just keep meditating. I'll just keep forgiving myself. I'll just keep opening up and handing it over to God so that I can wake up to the flow of those thoughts. Allowing them to have their expression without falling for their dualistic nonsense. And of course placing the intention to prevent them from manifesting into speech or action if they would be harmful to others. But if they were to, then I'll be open to that and forgive myself with openness.

Investigating Blocks and Restrictions

So there's something in your mind stream that's causing you to suffer. I've given you many tools to overcome these kind of blockages already, but I'll talk you through this one if you like. You don't need to know exactly what it is that's blocked, just a deeper sense of something is fine. Well actually it's good if you don't 'label' it as just this or that, as you know everything is interconnected and so it's never easy to pin point these things exactly anyhow. Maybe it's a feeling of some kind, a stuckness. It could have physical qualities in the body, or maybe it's more subtle than that, a state of mind. It's probably both. So lets see what we can do.

First of all you know that it's always good to inquire as deeply as possible into the nature of things if you want to be free from suffering. So go as deeply as you can into that experience, trying to be with the sensations, allowing their qualities to reveal themselves just as they are.

If you ever find there's a difficulty to move in, a struggle to accept, then stop right there. Where have you tensed up elsewhere in the body or mind? Don't deny that space! Just allow that secondary feeling to be as it is, giving it attention. Notice if it changes in any way. Just small flowing or pulsing changes are enough to let you know it's not fixed.

If trying to be with that secondary issue causes a third layer of struggling elsewhere, then make that your object to wake up to. So that it too is allowed the freedom to flow. Always push your mind a little to be with. But if after a while of trying you can't, then focus on the resistances resistance. Don't go straight for the core issue, peal the layers off one by one. This is the method.

So whichever block you feel you would like to focus on now, just ask yourself, 'where is that? what is that?' And see if you can locate or understand the nature of that block. This helps to let go of judging it, which in turn means that you release the resistance to it and so then it is able to flow as it needs to.

Awareness in its natural state allows all experiences to be as they are. Awareness doesn't strive for freedom, for it always is free, holding all experiences, connecting with them equally, without exception.

So lets just spend a few moments clearing the mind of distractions and encourage a more peaceful state of being. Start by relaxing the muscles in your shoulders and arms and allow your face to become a little smoother. As you breath out, notice, without judgement, what your state of mind is like. No need to change it. But as your awareness moves t these words, then down to your feet, then further afield to the sounds you can hear but not locate visually, notice how your state of mind has begun to change without trying at all. It may be that you are beginning to feel freer somehow, as your awareness flows from this to that. It doesn't matter what the object of awareness is, what matters is that you are awake to what's happening, in the eternal now. Let go of past and future and flow in this, for when you realise that you always abide in this, you also realise there is no that. Thoughts are witnessed now, in this freedom of eternity.

Allow happy memories of joy and carefree laughter to flow into your body. Perhaps feeling thankful that freedom can be so easy to taste when you choose to wake up to life and connect with openness. Breathing out to let go and move deeper still into peace. Breathing in to allow bliss to tingle across the surface of your bodys emotions. Clarity of mind is available in every moment, for there are no moments where awareness is beyond reach. In fact awareness is always closer than you imagine. It's ungraspable nature shinning upon the body, touching a sound or effortlessly drifting through the movement of the eyes across these sentences.

Ok, lets take a look now at where you may still be resisting the flow of life. Make it simple and scan your awareness around your body. If you feel blissful and don't even have a glimmer of tension, then you don't need to proceed. But if there is even a slight heaviness or dullness somewhere, or whatever expression a blockage may take, then move awareness there. Go into it as deeply as you can. Carefully avoiding judgements of seperation. Be at One. It's just another expression in the eernal here and now, so stay awake to it. If you get dragged in and lose yourself, don't worry, just delicately unhook and proceed again. Be ever so sensitive to its movements, like a scientist looking under a microscope. And so as you zoom in on one part stay there for a while, investigating. And then zoom out again and notice what has happened to the other parts.. What's happening in the rest of the body that lets you know that that energy is shifting around? Holding all this in awareness, whatever it is. For the openness which you're bringing to your experience can be directed into the qualities of a blockage to see that little by little you are able to let go of your grip in the stomach, the mouth, or anywhere else you may need to. With persistant wakefulness you can go deeper still into the intricate details that you'd like to uncover and release. And you may notice that you can always go deeper. In fact by channeling awareness into that bloackage you get taken infinitly deeper. To a place where you can't locate, let alone believe in anything other than spaciousness. Explore that a little....

And so becoming aware of your whole body again. Holding the larger feelings and just being at peace with them. No need to change them. Just open your mind to their existence, just as they are, knowing that they are held in infinity and can unfold in eternity, just as they choose. Because whatever resistance may arise is also just as allowable as any other experience within the loving embrace that is awareness.

Close your eyes for a while and continue your journey of deep inquiry into the nature of those blockages, or resistances, and see where it takes you. Never wish for them to be gone, for they'll only leave you when you wish to make complete peace with their evolving myseteriousness. Because at the end of the day, whether they are there or not is of no importance. What matters is that you are developing the ability to allow all of the awesome expressions of life to be acknowledged.

Supported in Silence - 2/4/07

Another course comes to an end. After the fire ceremony we all share and I intimately catch the eyes of some students. There are a few tears and I notice my own eyes well up a little too in responce. Even though I didn't give so much guidence this week as there were some experienced students who wanted silence, one guy commented on how the group connected in the silence. Another lady thanked me for just being there as she always felt there was that support to keep going. Just by sitting in silence at the front when meditating is enough. It helps on a deeper level. Holding the space. We support each other with our presence.

A few years ago I did some volunteering for a mental health charity. I just had to go along to the doctor, bank, or wherever, with someone suffering from depression, anxiety, paranoia, or whatever. I never did anything special except chat with them a little before and after the appointment. I simply sat with them during the appointment.

Just my presence reassured them. Just my presence made sure they got fair treatment. Just my presnece was all that was needed. It wasn't necessary to say anything. In fact my silence was the best help. My silence allowed them to feel supported.

My Birthday - 3/4/07

Today is my birthday. It feels like any other day really, no longer especially exciting. But that's good because every day is a cause for celebration.

I'm so young! Only 29 today! I'm very lucky to be in this healthy body. And to have such opportunites at this age.

Today I drew up some posters for a vipassana. In going to lead a 10 day silent retreat here in May. What a fantastic opportunity to teach and sit with students in this way. I have free reign over the schedule so I've included some yoga, walks in nature and a little optional chanting. Not just formal sits. I've entitled it, 'Awakening the Heart through Inquiry into Life.' I'll give daily talks, but may teach a little more in a guided meditation kind of way. Being led through an inquiry. They'll also be opportunities for students to share in small groups and chat to me one to one.

Tomorrow I'll put the posters up in Rishikesh. I hope enough people sign up as it will be a little hot as it's the end of the season. But fewer people could also be good to iron out problems as this is the first one before I start holding them every month in the autumn.

What a pleasent birthday for such a young body. But you know the age of the body is irrelevent. Our souls are as old as the Universe. Our souls are indestructable and pure. Connected with God no matter what age. Our souls are eternal and timeless. This is the kind of thing I hope students will taste on the vipassana.

To Forget Myself

Tonight the remaining students from the course got together to play a game. 'Warewolves killing peasents.' We shut our eyes, the warewolves open them and decide who to kill. Then we have to decide who done it. It was great fun! So nice just to let my hair down a little a be like a kid on my birthday! I sometimes feel I have to be like a buddha and mindful all the time. It's nice to forget myself for a while. Much needed stupidity ;-)

Week Six

2007-04-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

Awakenings - 7/4/07

The course is full - over 20 students (it's meant to be 20 max but we took a few more thinking some wouldn't come, but they all did!) I've been busy, busy, so no time to write or go deep for a few days... I have been going to yoga as usual, but Lolita-ji asked me to correct postures as it's such a large group. I feel totally unqualified - especially as there's a girl in the group who's a yoga teacher. But I'm only really adjusting the students standing postures so it's not to taxing.

As I've been busier in the yoga hall a Scottish guy has been helping out in the office. He's quite switched on. He told me about how he was doing this exercise with a couple of people in January where they pointed out each others ego throughout the day to help bring it into awareness. He said after that he had a sudden awakening and was in bliss for a couple of weeks. Nice.

I often wonder if I should tell people about my awakening experiences or not. Ten years ago I was liberated for a month or so. After deep contemplation I realised that reality was just a web of opposites and one day walking out of the University library, hit by the beauty the countryside and the freshness of the blue sky, I suddenly woke up and understood. I realised that all opposites supported each other and so let go of resisting the negative, for they are necessary for the positive to exist. It was like I had been born again. I felt so alive. Amazing.

I remember seeing a girl crying in the street a few weeks later and thinking, 'she doesn't need to cry. Whatever happened is just an expression of the Universe within the opposites.' And then wondering why no-one else seemed to Realise this. But then one day I overheard some people in another room saying nasty things about me and for some reason I lost faith in my Realisation and wanted to feel sorry for myself. It seemed easier. And so I attached again. I felt bad and associated that feeling with 'self'. But somehow all was not lost. I knew that I had to look into Eastern Religions. I didn't know where to start or what to do about it for a couple more years though.

My second major awakening was a couple of years ago. It was on a vipassana retreat. My whole world turned upside down and inside out when I suddenly awoke to Interconnectedness, Oneness, Timelessness, Spacelessness. Again it was like a great gust of wind blowing towards me and a sudden feeling of overwhelming freedom like I had been released from a prison which I didn't even know had been there. Such bliss. So many tears for days on end. But, inevitably, the walls and floor and ceiling of that prison gradually reconstructed themselves over the weeks and months.

While the experience 2 years ago was so very very powerful beyond comprehension, (I thought they'd drugged my food!) I didn't feel that I had let my ego go or reached the goal. On the other hand the experience 10 years ago was a little more down to earth and at that time I did feel released. I felt it was my choice to attach again. Goodness knows why. If I'd known about meditation I certainly would have chosen not to!

And so anyway I often wonder, should I tell people about these experiences. Does it inflate my ego so that I think that I'm spiritually superior or something. Well I think that by holding it in and not telling I could still think I am superior, so that's not a good reason for not speaking. And I don't think I'm superior anyway. It's not a fixed 'me' that woke up those times. It was God who shone through this vessel, and God is inside the hearts of all beings.

Listening to the Scottish guys story inspired me.

There's always the danger that telling people it's met with jealousy. But you know that's less important than the benefit of being told about a real life mystical experience. Besides if jealousy arises, it's something to be looked at to work on. In order to develop mudita (joy at others success).

I haven't had any really mind blowing experiences yet on this trip. Only the odd 20 minutes of bliss, clarity, overwhelming Love, or whatever. I'm still waiting for mind blowing, insightful awakening number three. One that lasts a few days or more, preferably longer, hopefully life!

The Web of Opposites

The web of opposites holds reality together,
Cold needs hot and hot needs cold,
Bold needs shy and shy needs bold,
Old needs young and young needs old,
And so it goes on.

Creation requires destruction for life to flow,
Death needs birth and birth needs death,
So know there's no point in clinging to sorrow,
For surely it will begin to shift by tomorrow,
As movement between opposites is what makes it all possible.

Up needs down,
Soft needs hard,
Calm needs stress,
And all the other opposites that link together to form your experience.

The web of opposites is so complex,
That from it springs colours and form,
Sounds and emotions,
The veritable fruits of life.

Just know that you're none of these things,
Just know that you're so much more.

So just as Light needs darkness,
You can be free from the burden of searching for liberation,
When you stop doing anything to get closer to that goal,
Indifferent to virtue or sin,
See God in everything,
And you'll naturally flow towards harmony without effort,
For God dances in the web of opposites,
Nothing more.

Virtue Comes from Awakening

You know when I had that experience 10 years ago I drank and smoked profusely. I ate meat. I masturbated often. I was hardly virtuous. But bad habits fell away. Addicted to 20 cigarettes a day I stopped over night without fuss. I started up again 2 weeks later though because I thought it looked cool and was the thing that everyone did, not because I craved it. It was my way of sticking two fingers up at ego fueled piousness.

I found I responded to people with clarity, I had no fear or hesitation. I never told anyone about this experience, I don't know if they noticed.

All this hard work I'm putting in now to eat healthily, do this, don't do that, do my karma yoga for God and so on. I wonder, is it any use? I guess what comes first, the chicken or the egg? It does help to be in the ashram to reflect all the time. I just need to keep instilling in myself that lots of yoga and meditation isn't leading me towards some goal, as the goal is reached when you let go of striving, and it doesn't matter where you are to do that. It's just that being here is a little more fertile for it than in a job where everyone is obsessed with Big Brother or the soccer results. Just as studying philosophy and having lots of free time to contemplate was fertile for it then.

I feel like sometimes I push too much. I keep having to stop pushing go in another direction. I'm sat on a rock by the Ganga having just brought all the students here on a silent walk. I feel like crying because something deeper is being released even though they are all around me.

Breaking Habits - 8/4/07

It's half way through this weeks course. I'm feeding the students all the usual stuff and seeing the lights being switched on with some of them. The thing is it's almost become habit to talk about this stuff and even though the students benefit greatly all I'm doing is churning out all my old insights and answering the same old questions. It's become habit, I need inspiration.

I was chatting with Kenny, the Scottish guy, again today. When speaking with him it's like I'm able to connect again with something deep. I felt truly present like he's feeding me a few more bits to ponder. We spoke about breaking habits and then I felt very conscious of my responses - was I speaking habitually or were the words fresh and from that moment. And so I'm going to ponder that for a while.

I'm going to start writing, and as is often the case not know where I'll end up, but this time I'll try and investigate where the words are coming from. That means - are they habit or fresh, or perhaps more appropriately, are they from the ego or from God.

Just writing that made me feel more awake, in touch with the divine. Ahhh.... Writing about God and allowing the words to come through without switching to autopilot is necessary. The thing is sometimes a whole sentence comes to me and I can't write fast enough. So when I get to the end of the sentence of that original thought I'm back onto autopilot. I wonder if that matters though if the words were fresh in that original thought. It still came from God. Just like when I churn out my old insights, they're still fresh for the students who never heard them.

The thing about trying to break habits is that it's only bad ones I want to break. It's daft to try and think of a different way to express the same thing, just to keep it 'fresh'. I just need to be awake to the virtuous and not feel the need to change a thing.

I dunno, all this free will versus determinism is a useless debate, it's dualistic. The divine is so beyond that. I understood that once and it somehow all made sense. Just like I am everything and nothing, both those concepts and neither of them. Hard to comprehend with logic.

So back to breaking bad habits and killing the ego. I just need to keep surrendering to God, let go of guilt, worry etc and flow in the now, all that stuff. When emotions of worthlessness or whatever arise, don't take them seriously, just give them space and continue to purify.

It's just that I want a quick awakening again, I'm fed up with this slow slog. Continued contemplation and chats with Kenny will help for sure. Hmmm . . .

Growing into my Role - 9/4/07

A lady cam into the office yesterday inquiring about the vipassana next month. She'd sat a few retreats before with Open Dharma and was older than me. I felt a little odd saying I was going to lead the retreat. I'm not even 30! She didn't butt an eyelid though which filled me with a little confidence. I am ready and I know that, I just never believe others will see past my young body. And somehow I feel a bit like a fraud (like there's such a thing as a 'real' teacher). But you know, it's just little old me - I'm not an old wise monk, I've never even ordained for even a brief spell!

But I know that doesn't matter. I've been given lots of praise from some students on this weeks course which helps with self belief. It's so easy to forget that the things I say are new and a great revelation to others. I always think the whole world is evolving with me. I just have to think back to the horrific hedonism in Thailand to remember that Ultimate Reality and Gods presence in the heart of all doesn't really come up so much in most peoples lives. Shame.

Laughing Yoga

In class we pull faces at each other and pretend to ride motorbikes around the yoga hall in order to laugh. Yesterday Lolita-ji declared in a matter of fact tone, 'Now is laughing. You enjoy laughing yoga?' And a Mexican lady in the group suddenly became hysterical. Everyone was in stitches before even pulling faces at each other.

Today all Lolita had to say was, 'now is laughing yoga,' and the whole group burst into fits of giggles. We all had to lie down to calm a little, but it was no good, everyone was rolling around laughing like hyenas for at least 15 minutes.

Counselling

On the first 4 retreats there were always one or two guys who would come to my room and we'd have chats about spirituality. It was good to speak personally with them about applying spirituality and all this stuff in their lives when they got home, that kind of thing.

The last couple of weeks though God has sent me a few girls who are a little stressed and need some counselling. I like doing this kind of one to one work, they open up so much more to heal.

It's important to offer the opportunity for students to come speak in private. When I run the vipassana I'll have sign up sheets.

Waking up to Negative Habits

Habit forming is useful. If I can learn to do something without thinking I can place my attention elsewhere, where it may be more needed. If I had to concentrate on walking to keep balance all the time I'd be pretty useless. Once the mind learns a pattern it frees it up to shine awareness elsewhere.

Learnt habits can be both useful, like riding a bike, or damaging, like smoking cigarettes. The spiritual path is aimed at breaking those negative habits. It's good to cultivate the opposite quality like patience for the impatient. This calms things a little to create balance. But the only way to break that habit is by facing it straight on. Investigating it, being open to allow it's expression in awareness.

If there is a fear to face a habitual response, like a phobia or big anxiety, then just be aware of that expression of energy. Releasing the grip from being held so tightly. It's ok, you know that by letting go in that way freedom is achieved. If there's a rising feeling or tension suddenly enters the shoulders or hands, then so be it. Let awareness allow that movement of energy to flow as it would like. You're not going to die. The ego is a tricky little fellow that tries to preserve itself as a fixed identity, sometimes creating fear if someone tries to release themself from it's devious clutches. But the ego isn't stupid. It won't kill the vehicle it inhabits.

Just as a wave of water will crush you if you turn away, when you face that wave and dive into it, you realise it's just water and actually fluid enough to allow you to float through to the other side.

Awareness allows everything the space to exist. Open up to this awesome revelation and find freedom.

So, through investigation, negative habits can be broken. And positive habits can just be left to do their thing subconsciously. A negative habit cause suffering, a positive one is already free. The key is to keep awareness shinning rather than getting complacent and going onto autopilot and daydreaming.

I often find myself chanting bhagan and drifting off. When I come back again I realise I've been chanting away perfectly fine, but with no awareness what so ever. This is ok if everything is ok, but dangerous if something goes wrong. Driving on autopilot is quite common among motorists. And a slight emergency does usually wake them up instantly to respond. But with more awareness the roads would be far safer.

Habits often become unbalanced. Often they become faster, pushing things to the extreme. With awareness things can slow down a little if need be. Awareness is patient for it is timeless and in no rush. Similarly if habits become boring and dull then awareness adds life and vibrancy back to the experience to speed things up if that's what's needed to restore balance.

So awareness breaks bad habits and restores balance. But how do we know where to shine awareness? I guess it automatically locates suffering. And with a clear mind more subtle attachments can be found to work on. Ultimately I guess there is no attachment and life is allowed to flow freely in a clear mind and no effort is needed. Effort is needed to hold things tightly. It is effortless effort which is needed to let go. Effortless effort is needed to hold pain with Love. Identifying where a negative habitual response arises and choose to let go of trying to change it. Choose instead to allow it to do as it likes, with full wakefulness. And then see what happens. When there is no judgement, only unconditional connection. Is it possible then to carry out selfish motives? I think not . . .

When I let go of pursuing the dualistic storyline that was stuck on a bad habit moves all by itself. Remembering the Oneness allows freedom to flow effortlessly.

Evil Eyes

It's funny, the course comes to an end and these subtle judgments I've made about people are disproved. I've built this thing up in my head that every week there are those who have curiosity and kindness in their eyes and there are those who have skepticism and piercing 'evil' eyes. But actually that's just the way their eyes are sometimes. They may appear to have 'evil' eyes which I try to make peace with, but actually it turns out that their minds are full of love and wisdom. So actually all I'm making peace with is my own perception, not reality.

It's a good lesson to learn in not making assumptions. When giving advice it's important to remain open to give the space to open up the real suffering for that person, not my perception of it. Always being indirect with advice in case I'm wrong. Always giving advice that would apply to broader issues that may encompass their experience

Awareness Is . . - 13/04/07

I get this urge to try and describe awareness in positives, not negatives such as I'm not the body, I'm not the mind. Even though it is beyond words and yes beyond all form, it feels appropriate to try and describe it's nature to get as close as possible. Then maybe it's a little easier to make that jump to absorb myself in it.

Awareness is ever experiencing,
In it, the multitude of lifes expressions are made known.
Awareness is ever present,
And it's vibrancy of knowingness ignites when it looks in upon itself.
Awareness is clear and slippery,
All that is known, lands in its vast 'me'ness.
Awareness is infinitely spacious,
Growing in lucid wakefulness when it attempts to understand itself.
Awareness never changes,
For it is what contains the ever changing in its luminous glow.
Awareness never goes anywhere,
For even if hidden it can never be lost, as it is the source of all this.
Awareness is Gods pure nature,
Becoming more aware, one is welcomed home and released to freedom.
Awareness is Love,
For waking up, one connects to life with a heartfelt tear in the eye.
Awareness heals,
Knowing itself it becomes open and suffering flows away.
Awareness is magnificent,
It gives life, it give magic, it breathes in its infinite mystery.
Awareness is who I am,
Awareness is who I am always looking for.

Nothing Less Than

Nothing can hide from Awareness,
And it's a good job too,
For Awareness doesn't even need to bother to forgive, as it never judged in the first place.
Nothing is too scary for Awareness,
And that's a stroke of luck as well,
For it means each and everyone can follow the path to ecstatic liberation.
Nothing, not anything, needs to feel fear or shame within Awareness,
For when the heart is fully open,
God warmly shakes the hand of all,
And He's just waiting for you to Realise this.

Thank You Card

I just got a thank you card from the last group. Such nice comments. There was one comment though which touched me the most. From a girl I never spoke to, until saying goodbye when she heldmy gaze in gratitude. I read her comment afterwards in the card and it said, 'there's one sentence that you said that keeps going over and over again in my brain. And probably changed my life! Thank you!'

With such a big group I was unable to check in with everyone, but to know that I made a difference without realising is really reassuring. It makes me wonder how many seeds of Awakening I may have helped spread. Just as whatever insight it was that she benefited from probably came to me from another beings wisdom, so she will invariably pass it on to others. I can never second guess what happens when all the students leave to the far corners of theearth, but it's good to know that at least occassionally something goes in quite deep.

Week Seven

2007-04-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Am I A Nasty Piece of Work? 16/4/07

This question keeps going round in my head. Well, on the first day of the course from breakfast until the course started at 3pm I spent the entire time trying to find people who still needed o pay for the course, as if I didn't have better things to do than chase people up. And so I let out a sigh to someone and a little winge that I was having to try and find some more people who have left it to the last minute when we're most busy. I received a stern look and a 'shanti shanti' (peace, peace) remark from them and have felt guilty ever since.

Goodness I think it's not easy running a course from 5.30am til 9.30 at night. People expect so much sometimes or have the most petty requests. The other week I was in town on my day off putting up posters and doing other odd jobs. A woman ran up to me saying she'd left the ashram with the key and started giving me directions to fetch it from her hotel. She didn't have time herself because she had an appointment, and also could I take a few things for people still at the ashram. I said no, I have enough on my plate and need to be boundaried. After she gave me a hurt puppy look I agreed. It's never ending.

And often people want us to make exceptions to the rule for them, keep the gates open later so they can go for a walk on the Ganga, add this or that to the course, and so on. I'm beginning to realise why bigger places such as Shivananada have such strict rules. We're often kind of laid back and flexible but I'm having to be quite assertive with boundaries these days.

And so am I a nasty piece of work? Maybe as a teacher I shouldn't should my more human qualities and have even the hint of a moan. Which is true I shouldn't moan and groan, it's hardly enlightened behaviour. But I have to let it go. I've been holding onto feeling like a nasty piece of work and I need to release it into the past, allowing life to flow now free from my mistaken moment of moaning.

I also need to care less about others perceptions of me. Or at any rate I need to explore these emotions during meditation at allow both the energy of guilt and the energy of 'oh I just can't take much more of this,' to flow. So that I can live in the present knowing that the person who moaned, the person who took on too much, doesn't exist. Only my response to life now exists. Only this.

With Death Comes Life

Death,
Kill the ego,
Death,
Kill attachment to past selves,
Death,
Kill grasping for perfection in the conditioned,
Death,
It happens to us all.

One day this body will die,
One day,
Who knows when,
Death will kill this 'self'.

Can I kill my attachment to this identity before death kills this body?
Which will die first?
Will I be able to kill the ego in this life, thus reaping eternal freedom from death?
Will I be able to free myself from resistance to death, thus waking up to life?

Death,
Kill my fear of it,
For only then will I reside in the unborn,
And forever more just experience,
Life.

I've Transformed Many Lives

Is it terrible of me to say that I've changed many peoples lives?

Tonight after I guided a mediation a girl walked past me and said thank you, I could tell she'd been touched in some way.

Is it terribly unspiritual to admit that I am good at helping people in this way? I'm not claiming it as mine, for the words I utter talk of letting all that go. I'm just allowing myself to acknowledge that I possess skills which can transform peoples consciousness. It's not pride as I also know that my words come from my teachers, they come from my training as a hypnotherapist, they come from nature, they come from God. They don't come from a fixed self full of pride.

It's this acknowledgement which prevents me from listening to the voice of 'I'm a nasty piece of work.' It stops me from chucking it all in because of the belief that I still need to do work on myself to be liberated enough to teach. Because I am fit to teach. Because I do have the skills to transform people lives. And the odd moment where I forget this pale into significance to the good that I can do by guiding others to taste freedom in the same way that I have been guided.

Not Always A Ray of Sunshine 18/4/07

A great gale gusts through the valley,
The orange sky rumbles with electricity,
And down it pours,
A welcome relief to the stifling humidity.

It's important to experience different moods,
Life would become dull if it was always a ray of sunshine.

Not knowing what's coming next,
That's what keeps me on my toes.
Living with uncertainty,
There's the challenge,
There's where I remain open,
To welcome any surprise that's thrown my way.

Renounce the World by Embracing it!

I accidentally made a slight dent in my sitar. It keeps coming up in my mind stream and making me wince,

Attachment. I often wonder if having things like sitars for creative reasons is asking for trouble through added attachment. Renunciation. I often wonder if I need to have fewer possessions if I am to renounce the world.

Well monks and nuns relinquish possessions in order to focus on spirituality. Which is a great help for them to go deep. But renouncing the world doesn't mean you have to hide from it. In fact embracing it is very important.

Embracing experiences. Embracing feelings. Embracing life. This doesn't mean chasing pleasure in the pursuit of hedonistic gratification. This means investigating life's highs and lows and allowing them the freedom to express themselves.

If I twitch and cringe because I now have a dent in my sitar, then I need to look for the source of that aversion. I need to delve into its energy and see where that takes me.

It's a good job I got a dent in my sitar, or else that attitude of disliking denting expensive things would never have surfaced. It's a good job these old habitual responses surface, for how else would I cleanse my mind of their delusion?

Embrace life, lance to music, paint a picture. Create in ways which allow you to go deep into peace. Flow in ways which enable you to become at One. But always be able to let that go. Always know that everything changes and the bliss that was can never be repeated. For life has the promise of bliss in all when that old bliss is left behind. And when the hurt that is felt is made conscious as being the result of clinging to an old feeling of bliss, or a fantasy of perfection, that's when you release yourself and approach your true nature of eternal bliss.

Avoid the Lure of Intoxicating Highs

I'm feeling quite high. There was a message that someone booked onto the vipassana for next month. A guy I connected well with from week 3 on the yoga course. It makes me feel appreciated, it makes me feel high.

Now I'll try watch it. I mustn't claim this feeling. Or I'll end up falling fast as each great high has a great low. Awake to the high, bringing clarity to the ecstasy. It has quite an energetic quality. It's located mainly in my face and also my arms, my upper body. I just need to allow it to do its thing in awareness. I definitely don't want to get intoxicated with it. If I do that it's more likely I will do something I regret.

You know people with bi-polar sometimes swing to such highs and end up running round naked or selling their house, or some other regrettable, rash decision.

It's important to resist intoxication of such highs and instead allow it to flow in awareness with the patients of a parent watching their restless children. Children often pursue this energy and it invariably ends in tears. But kids have to learn this the hard way.

The Darker the Shadow, the Brighter the Light 19/4/07

It's good to witness a bit of trouble,
How else would I learn?
It's good to get caught sometimes,
Would I surrender otherwise?

The darker side has its purpose,
For the darker it is,
The brighter the Light that can be awoken!

When Acting from the Heart causes Suffering

Inadvertently hurting others. Maybe in a moment of mindlessness, maybe in a moment of mindfulness. But they react and take it to heart none the less. People have different values, different expectations of what's 'polite', of what's acceptable. I don't know what's gonna cause others strife. But then hey, why should I care? If they chose to get annoyed, I don't need to take it to heart.

I often get a guilt complex, I often take on their annoyance. Maybe I'm too sensitive. No that's not it, I'm trying to be more sensitive, that's a good thing. And anyway if I feel something then I'm not going to suppress it because I 'shouldn't be so sensitive'. That would increase suffering!!

So I feel guilt. How does it feel, where is it coming from? Don't claim it, allow it to flow.

But also I should remember, they're the ones who are suffering with their limited delusions. For even if my actions weren't pure, their reaction comes from their delusion too. So they need to look at that. I'm not going to take responsibility for their suffering by attaching myself. They need to investigate the source of their reaction, just as I need to investigate the source of my guilt.

I'm not a nasty piece of work. Sometimes I forget to say thanks if I'm absorbed in something, sometimes I need to be assertive if they're getting carried away. If they take that to heart and blame me, they need to look at that.

I never intend to hurt out of ego, but invariably I hurt because they have a different world view. And I don't know their silly conditioned values. Because at the end of the day moral values are bullshit. All you can do is act from the heart. And if it ends up hurting someone because they are living in delusion, then I'm not going to let it block my heart.

End of a Chapter 21/4/07

Well the seventh retreat ends. And with its demise many of the longer term guests leave too. I sit in the dinning hall waiting for my food, many familiar faces gone, replaced with new faces waiting to start the next course. It feels like after hosting a party when everyone's gone and you're home alone.

It feels like the end of a chapter as I'm also going back to the UK in a couple of days for my sisters wedding. So I'm excited about that. I'll only be back for 5 days, just missing course number eight. I'll see my friends, I'll go for a walk on the beach, it'll be a strange few days for sure.

And when I return I'll be running the vipassana. I'm already thinking about what to say on all those dharma talks. It's ten days and I have to do a talk every day. That's quite a scary prospect, I'll have to make notes and prepare lots. I'm not ready to live completely in the moment on that one just yet!

So much to think about. Right I'm off for a walk to allow my subconscious the space to get going on all these things. To allow myself the chance to be fresh before I dash home and catch up with people in a jet lagged haze.

Touch Down 24/4/07

After a long arduous journey I touch down in England. Back for a brief visit. I've really been missing home recently, which is most unusual for me. I usually don't want to leave Asia, but things are changing, I love my home these days.

I'm on the coach from heathrow to Brighton. I'm filled with gentle peace as I look across the calm countryside with tumbling hills and oak trees. The trees! Oh England I've missed you! I wonder if committing to live in Rishikesh for 9 months a year is such a good idea. There's so much happening in Brighton and such a support of sangha friends I Love dearly.

But I also know I can't turn down the opportunity of leading vipassana retreats in such an idyllic location! It is a dream come true!

I'll be back again in England for July and August. And I don't miss the winters for sure.

It's funny after my long trips away I usually get culture shock returning. This time it feels like I never left. But this time I wanted to visit, while before I was reluctant to return. England has such a soft gentleness in the air.

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part four continued on www.andysindianjourney4.blogspot.com